Wish List
by FooZater
Summary: He's made a list... but who checked it twice?
1. Default Chapter

Title: Wish List

Disclaimer: It all belongs to Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions.

Pairing: S/J

Rating: PG13

Season: Eight

Summary: Jack's bored… and thinking about Carter.

AN: If you ask me where this came from... I'd say from watching too much tv, having too little sleep and havin a horrible sense of humour that's more than likely seeped ina little insanity. So, you shouldn't ask, really.

* * *

Jack rapped his fingers on his desk, leaning his head down to get a better view of how they contacted with the polished surface of his shiny desk. He was out of his tree bored and his yoyo had mysteriously disappeared. His eyes twitched from his right hand to his left as its fingers joined his right hand and he began to tap a tune out. As his head caught up with his hands, he was pleasantly surprised to find himself tapping and humming to the theme tune of 'The Simpsons'. As the volume of his humming grew, his fingers dove into the air and waggled to the beat he was creating. Jack nestled back into the confines of his seat, waving his hands about in front of him. 

"Uh… Sir?"

_Ah, Crap!_

Jack's entire body flinched and his hands hung suspended in the air - a masterful reminder that he really must be crazy. And yet all he could think of as he stared into Sam Carter's bewildered eyes was how entirely hot she looked right now.

"Carter!" He chirped, thrusting his hands down into a respectful position on the desk in front of him. Carter's eyes twinkled as he tried to shake off the embarrassing moment, knowing thathe was hoping he'd get away without any smart-ass comments. He was the General, after all. And she was only a Colonel. She was serving under him… had to do what he said. He blinked and took pause as a very graphic image of Carter 'serving under him' flashed in his mind.

_Dammit! She's staring at me… with her head titled and she's definitely thinking something she shouldn't be!_

"I brought the report you wanted," she stated as she pushed a file onto his desk. He reached for it instantly, averting his eyes. He would not stare at her like…

_Like she was something to be consumed,_ his thoughts finished for him. _Oh, God…_ he groaned inwardly.

"Are you okay, sir?"

Had she noticed the film of sweat that was tickling his pores more feverishly with every moment she remained?

"Uh… fine," he stammered. "Good. I mean - yes, thank you." He cleared his throat, trying to ignore how amused she looked. She had that damn twinkle in her eyes. Mischief is what it was screaming. He hated it. Hadn't he nurtured it himself? He allowed himself a snort as he realised he had fostered mischief in Sam Carter. Him! In her!

_Oh for cryin' out loud! _Another mental image assaulted him and he couldn't withhold the groan it encouraged. He closed his eyes and his hand gripped tightly on her report.

"Sir, you seem to be… roused by something."

_Oh, she so did not say that!_

Jack was briefly worried that he had strained something in his neck with the sudden jolt it took to look up at her and then he saw the twinkle shine brighter. And was she swaying her hips as she walked closer?

"I'm fine, Carter." Clearing his throat again, he ruffled the pages in the file with too much force, smashing the corners at the bottom of the paper because he couldn't take his eyes off her hips.

Her thighs were touching his desk now and she leaned over, to be eye-level with him. Jack gulped.

"You look a little pale, maybe you should…" she prattled on, pulling her best concerned expression and he tuned out. Jack tried to scowl at her, he really did, but his eyes were refusing to refrain from gliding over the curve of her…

"…breast, sir."

He choked on the breath he should've taken.

_Breast? What the?_

"What did you just say, Colonel?" His bark made her snap to attention and she frowned at him.

"I said…" She took a breath and he be damned if the innocence on her face wasn't schooled. "Maybe you should go see the doctor; you really don't look the best, sir."

Best, she had said best. His brain was taking him to very crazy spins on reality today. Normally, in his present state of boredom, he'd welcome it but it seemed to be stuck on a particular topic today.

"Didn't sleep too good last night," he grumbled. And he hadn't… slept well. But he _had_ dreamt well. A little too well, in fact. So much so that the very lucid dreams he'd had, concerning a certain officer currently staring at him like he was three fries short of a Happy Meal, were starting to bleed into his conscious mind.

"I hope you weren't up all night, sir."

_I've created a monster…_

Did he just see her lips twitch? Must be his imagination. Had to be.

"Was there something else, Colonel?" He decided ignoring her would be the best option.

"No, sir."

"Dismissed." He chanced a glimpse up and caught her walking out. Hips swaying... muscles clenching… relaxing. When she was gone, he let an appreciative sigh float from him. The woman did have a fine ass.

So, he was back to being bored again. Bored with nothing but Sam Carter on his mind. He shifted uncomfortably and glanced to his lap, admitting that Carter was on more than his mind. What was he supposed to do now?

A knock at the door caught his attention and he pulled his chair as far underneath the desk as it would go and prayed that whoever it was didn't need him to get out of his seat. "Come in," he growled, hoping his tone would send a message.

Walter walked in and paused a moment, shook his head and said, "Supplies just dropped off the new letter-headed paper you requested, sir." He marched quickly over and set a ream of paper on Jack's desk.

Jack raised an eyebrow at it. "I requested paper?" The hell he had!

Walter, who had been trying to make a hasty exit, was stopped in his tracks. He turned with impatience and Jack narrowed his eyes at the Sergeant when he sighed as if he was about to explain to a child why they shouldn't touch something hot.

"Actually, sir…"

_How many sentences can that man start with that phrase? _Jack wondered, licking his lips and quirking his eyebrow distractedly at the thought.

"…The President requested it."

Walter shrugged as Jack's eyebrows climbed higher and he exclaimed, "Oh?"

"Ah, yes. Everyone else uses that particular paper when creating documents for the President's eyes, sir."

"I never do."

"Exactly, sir."

"What?"

"What?"

"Walter!" Jack snapped. The sergeant cringed a little and waited for Jack to continue. "How come I didn't know about this?"

"There was a memo, sir."

"Ah."

_Never got no memo…_

"Is there anything else, sir?" When Jack remained staring pensively into space for a long moment, Walter wondered if the General had forgotten he was still there.

"Huh? No." Jack frowned, settling dazed eyes on Walter then scratched his head and shooed Walter out with his other hand.

He stared at the ream of paper and stretched across the width of his desk, sliding it in front of him. He tore at the packaging and studied the paper inside. Nothing fancy. Just more America the Great crap personified in a few logos. What was wrong with plain old paper? Who did the President think he was?

Jack snapped one of the pages out and lifted a pen… at least it would provide him with some satisfactory doodling! That would show them and their fancy schmancy paper.

Up in the left hand corner he drew the SGC logo and smiled admiringly at his art work. His eyebrows danced as he drew a little picture of himself underneath it, holding his P-90 and wearing his much missed baseball cap.

_Tell me again why it's inappropriate for me to wear a baseball cap on base?_

Something about being General popped briefly, very briefly, into his mind as he continued to draw. Next he drew Daniel, scratching his head over a rock he had in his hands, then Teal'c… in his Teal'cness, standing with his hands behind his back. Jack made sure to draw his gold tattoo in though. That left Carter. He toyed with drawing her and her laptop but with a wicked grin, realising only he would see it, he drew her close to his representation, lips puckered and love hearts flying from her in his direction. He chuckled evilly as he took in his masterpiece.

_Monet, eat your heart out!_

Jack glanced at his watch. He had another hour before he could respectfully blow this joint. He sighed and sized up the rest of the blank page, his mind returning dangerously to Sam Carter. As he thought about what he'd like to do with Carter and the reasons why he could only ever dream about it, he found himself scrawling words onto the page.

_Dear Mr. President, _

_I've decided that saving the planet and quite a few more (ask Carter, she remembers all the P-what numbers) from loads of snakeheads means that you owe me a few favours. So, I was hoping you'd take this into consideration._

_Jack O'Neill's Wish List_

_1. Sam Carter. _

_1.1. Yes, I mean Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter._

_2. A new yoyo._

_2.1 Preferably red. Always liked red. _

_3. Frat regulations wiped from memory._

_3.1. Everyone's_

_4. New TP._

_4.1. The current stuff really chaffs._

_5. The person who thought up the frat regs, tortured._

_5.1 Slowly._

_5.2 By Ba'al._

_6. The words 'Actually, sir' stricken from the base vocabulary._

_6.1 Especially Walter's._

_7. Sam Carter._

_7.1 Kissing me._

_8. Daniel's coffee switched for decaf._

_8.1 Carter's starting to consider him as a justifiable energy source._

_9. A big honking supply of candles for Teal'c._

_9.1 The guy loves to Kel-No-Reem._

_10. Sam Carter drugged._

_10.1 In case she doesn't want to kiss me._

_11. Colonic Irrigation added to the mandatory physical for Senators whenever Kinsey is on base._

_11.1. The observation room open to all during._

_12. A reminder to Carter that assaulting a superior officer is a court-martiable offence._

_12.1 For when the drugs wear off._

_13. A bill sent to Daniel for all his funeral overheads._

_13.1 Might encourage him to stay alive._

_14. A memo to Teal'c not to neglect his left eyebrow._

_14.1 The right one seems to do all the heavy lifting._

_15. Doughnuts on a Friday._

_15.1 For morale._

_16. My title changed to 'The Man'_

_16.1 Pertaining to the SGC only, of course - with no wish to step on your toes, sir._

_17. All my physicals to be conducted by Sam Carter._

_17.1 She is a doctor, after all._

_18. A mute button for Daniel_

_18.1 That would be SO cool._

_19. A restraining order on Sam Carter._

_19.1 Just in case she gets angry and wants to kick me for drugging her. Those legs are long, you know._

_20. Did I mention Sam Carter? _

_20.1 As my wife._

_20.2 In my bed._

_20.3 At my cabin._

_20.4 Fishing._

_You get the idea …_

_Yours truly,_

_General Jack O'Neill, a.k.a. The Man._

Jack bobbed his head as he held the page in his hands and read over it, grinning. The President would bust a lung if he saw this. Not to mention Carter. But she'd probably bust one of his… along with a few other vital organs. He twisted his face, thinking on it. He jumped when he realised someone was rapping on his door again. He hastily covered the page up with some of the documents on his desk and had time to appear nonchalant as Walter walked in.

"I'm just finishing up, sir, getting today's reports ready. Is there anything specific you wanted me to take care of before I go home?"

Jack glanced at his watch. Home time! Well, that had possibly been the most productive hour he'd had all day - and the most stimulating, well, mentally stimulating anyway.

"No, Walter," he replied jovially, bouncing out of his chair and grabbing his green jacket from the back of his seat. "Go home! Take a load off!"

Walter stared curiously after Jack, his brow furrowed before shaking his head and heading over to collect the reports from the General's outbox.

* * *

Feedback? 


	2. Wish List: Chapter 2

Title: Wish List: Chapter 2

Disclaimer: It all belongs to Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions.

Pairing: S/J

Rating: PG13

Season: Eight

Summary: He's made a list… but who checked it twice?

AN: Wow! The response to part one was overwhelming - I had to write another. I hope it enterains you all half as much. Thanks to all who reviewed, I had no idea the story would have such an impact, it was kind of a brief respite from my other story at the minute. So I'm sorry if anyone has been waiting on the next part of it - it will be on it's way soon. Anywho, enjoy kiddies!

* * *

Jack whistled as the elevator took him to his destination. He swirled his keys on his middle finger, flexing his wrist to the tune he was making. When they flew off his finger and shot across the space, slamming into the wall with a clink and slipped to the floor, he stopped whistling abruptly. The lieutenant that had been sharing the lift with him gave him a quizzical look but stood to attention quickly when Jack gave him a look that asked 'what are you looking at?'. The lieutenant bent down and picked up the keys, just as the lift came to a halt he handed them to Jack before adding a 'sir' and stepping out.

"I meant to do that," Jack called after him, still in the left, tucking the keys safely into his pocket. He cleared his throat and patted his uniform. He glanced in front of him, remembering he was still in the elevator. He raised an eyebrow - something was different. His eyes shifted to the left, then to the right, he took a tentative step forward and bracing his hands on either side of the opening he popped his head out of the elevator space. He glanced left, then right, then left again.

Quirking his eyebrow, it hit him. Walter was missing. There was silence. Sweet unadulterated silence. Jack smiled gleefully and swung a leg out, trotting along merrily to his office. His whistling picked up again and since this was turning out to be a good day he decided on 'Don't Worry, Be Happy' as his tune. It had been the first day in… he couldn't remember how long that Walter hadn't pounced on him and rattled on about this briefing issue, that security concern and the other alien crisis. Maybe today would be peaceful!

When Jack was halfway towards his office a twinge in the back of his mouth began to nag at him. Coffee! He needed coffee. The absence of Walter had meant the absence of his coffee. He slowed down and with a quick swirl he decided a short trip to the commissary was a small price to pay for the sweet lacking of Walter.

"Good morning, campers!" He almost sang as he spotted Teal'c and Daniel in the commissary. Daniel gave him a strange look, but thought twice about questioning Jack's good mood, thankful that he wasn't crabby for once. Teal'c bowed a little with an eerie grin plastered to his face that made Jack's head twitch back with an expression of distaste thrown at the Jaffa. Daniel rolled his eyes, and simply raised his mug in a greeting gesture. "So kiddies, what's cooking?" Jack wondered aloud as he poured himself a cup of coffee, sniffing the air and deciding if anything smelled good enough to try.

"I regret I must take leave of you, O'Neill," Teal'c announced, raising his left eyebrow, interrupting Jack's thoughts. Jack swallowed a mouthful of coffee and tentatively glanced at it, still unnerved by the creepy grin on Teal'c's face.

"Sure, no problem," he waved his cup at Teal'c and smacked his lips at the taste of the coffee. Didn't taste as good when he got it himself. When he looked back up, Daniel was staring at him. "Sit?" He cocked his head and Daniel shrugged, tucking the newspaper he had under his arm and topping up his mug before following Jack to a table.

"So," Daniel began with interest. "What has you in such a good mood?"

"I was gonna ask the same thing about Teal'c," Jack said downing some more of his coffee.

"Not sure, he mentioned something about his request finally being approved," Daniel shrugged and opened out his paper, yawning. Jack frowned at his vague answer but brushed it off.

"Late night?" He asked Daniel.

"Yeah, I was studying the artefact that SG-7 brought back from P3-"

"Daniel!" Jack snapped his hand at the ranting archaeologist, recognising the glint in his eyes that appeared when he got excited about something - which meant a whole lotta Danielspeak. Daniel huffed and shook out the paper and began to read.

"Can I have the Sports section?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because." Jack gawped at Daniel, who hadn't even lifted his head from the Current Affairs section except to sip his coffee.

"_Because_?" Jack reiterated with a jolt of his head.

"Because," Daniel repeated, not even shifting his eyes from the paper.

"You don't even read the sports section!" Jack argued.

"Jack," Daniel warned, looking up. He glared softly at Jack, thenbowed his head again.

"Aw come on, Daniel!" He moaned to which Daniel sighed.

"Where's Sam when you need her?" Daniel said under his breath, shaking his head.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jack glowered at him.

"Knew it was too good to last…" Daniel folded the paper and lifted it along with his mug as he stood.

"What?" Jack snapped, shooting out of his chair too. Daniel was already walking off and Jack bounded after him. "Daniel?"

As Daniel disappeared out of the door, a smell grabbed Jack's attention. His stride slowed and he edged closer to the food. He squinted a little and his eyes grew.

"Is that doughnuts?" The cook, whose attention he'd caught already, moved nearer to him and now looked where he was pointing. His forehead creased and he looked back up to the General.

"Yes," he replied, wondering what was so strange about that.

Jack just blinked, smiled and said, "Nice!" Reaching over, he grabbed one, sunk his teeth into it and carried on out, his spat with Daniel, forgotten.

* * *

"Jack?"

Jack snarled when he heard Daniel trotting behind him. He pretended not to hear his call and kept on walking - quicker.

"Jack, I know you heard me!"

"What, Daniel?" The man was nearly beside him anyway - since when had Daniel become so nimble? Had Oma buffed him up while he was ascended? According to Daniel she'd been loading him with coffee and waffles. Normally, Jack tuned out when Daniel spoke of his life as a floaty white blob, but when good food had been mentioned, the higher planes of whatever-ness had went up a notch on Jack's scale. He wondered what the pizza was like up there.

Maybe she had made him work it off though. How did one flex one's floating white tendril? He didn't like the thought of that - 'Work-Out with Oma'. Nope, not a fitness trip he wanted to experience - even on video. He'd leave it all to Daniel. Thinking about it, he did recall Daniel appearing more bulky than he remembered when he turned up in the nip from his last trip to 'Ancients 'R Us'.

_What was it Carter had whispered? _

Who was he kidding? He had distinctly and tragically, burned the comment into his memory.

'I never thought I'd ever use this line but … you could freeze ice on his chest.'

Jack hadn't been able - being outside his wits shocked at the time -to decide what tone Carter had used and he supposed it was probably best if he never found out. He glanced down to his own chest, knowing it didn't measure up to what Daniel had… but, he was still in very good shape. For his age. Daniel was panting a little when he reached him and Jack couldn't resist the smirk that broke out on his face.

_No stamina, Spacemonkey. I wonder what Carter would have to say about that…_

"…Jack are you listening to me?" Daniel bit as he waved a sheet of paper furiously in front of Jack's eyes.

_Of course I'm not…_

"Yes?" He tried. Daniel sighed and tugged on his sleeve a little, stopping him. They both paused and faintly registered Ferritti coming out of the locker room and then Daniel was speaking, Jack, trying again… not to listen.

"Find out what lemming sent this to me!" Daniel ordered, shoving the page into Jack's hand. "It's obviously for someone else. I've been getting mail for all over the base." Daniel ranted and began to walk off, mumbling to himself, "I'm an archaeologist, not a postman… damn military lemmings." Jack stared blankly after him, giving the page a quick glance.

_Maybe Oma sacrificed some of his brains for brawn this time… hoped he would loose the 'I'm insufferably moral, enlighten me!' pitch next time._

Jack grunted agreeably at the thought that even higher beings might have trouble listening to Daniel. He scratched his head and began marching off towards his office when Ferritti and an airman caught his attention as he passed.

"How?" The airman gasped in awe. Ferritti shook his head in equal, silent awe at something between the two of them. Jack raised an eyebrow and glanced over his shoulder a little before shaking his head and striding on.

As he rounded the nearest corner he was sure he heard Ferritti say, 'Love your bum." With reverence.

* * *

"Walter…" Jack sighed as the man stepped into his office. He knew it wouldn't be too long before he appeared.

"Sir," Walter paused, his hand still on the door handle. Jack began to get impatient when he seemed to be in a daze.

"What is it, Walter?" Jack barked and Walter jumped, glancing at the door with a weird smirk briefly before muttering an apology and walking on in.

"I just wanted to drop these off, sir."

"Oh!" Jack exclaimed as Walter made his way over. "Daniel said…" Jack blinked as he held up the page that Daniel had given him, trying, really trying to remember what Daniel had said about it. "He said…"

_He needed… no… he wanted? He didn't want…?_

"Nope." Jack shook his head in defeat. "Got nuthin'!" He gave up but handed the page to a confused Walter. "There's something…" He narrowed his eyes, searching for a word that would hopefully make him sound a little clued in. He smiled. "Amiss… with this." Walter took it off him as he handed Jack a bunch of files and some mail. Jack threw him a sarcastic 'thank you' with a rumble.

Walter scanned the page and Jack got concerned that questions were going to fly out of the man a mile a minute when his forehead knotted. Instead, a look of comprehension and a little … was it twisted satisfaction… crossed Walter's face?

"Ah," he said as Jack rubbed at his chin. "You're right; I'll correct the mistake immediately, sir." Jack nodded, pretending he thought this was a good thing… it was, wasn't it?

"I don't suppose I could pawn these off on someone else?" Jack waved the paperwork at Walter cracking the same joke he had so many times since he'd wondered if someone could read the personnel files for him when he became General. This was the part where Walter would point out that _he_ specifically needed to read them, and he would suggest which ones _really_ needed attention.

"I…" Walter faltered and Jack lifted his chin, an eyebrow following suit shortly after. "I wouldn't pretend to know, sir. And SG-11 will be ready to embark in five minutes." Walter left quickly, so quickly in fact that Jack was tempted to check the floor for scorch marks.

_Well, that was weird, _he acknowledged to himself. Shuffling the chunk of files Walter had given him, Jack stood and headed for the Control Room to see SG-11 off.

When he got there, he almost wasn't surprised to see Daniel down in the Gate Room, no doubt torturing Colonel Simmons about the archaeological mission they were going on and the importance of paying particular attention to a particular rock. He didn't envy Simmons, not one bit.

He leaned over to the microphone and pressed a button calling out, "SG-11, you have a go." Daniel turned sharply and threw a glare up at him when Simmons tapped his gun and told his team to move out. They were nearly all through the 'gate and Daniel was still glaring at him as he moved to leave the Gate Room. Jack smirked and waved cheerfully to Daniel.

As he heard boots climbing the stairs knowing they were Daniel's he turned to the tech at the controls. "Any more teams before lunch?" The tech shook his head just as Daniel burst into the room. Jack spun around and flashed a grin at him. "Finished with that?" He motioned to the paper Daniel was clutching. Daniel threw him a reproaching stare as he tossed the paper at Jack.

Jack gave a contented noise in response and headed up the stairs for his office, Daniel in tow. "So, where's Carter at today?" He hadn't seen her all day which was unusual.

"Here," Daniel nudged him with something as they entered his office and Jack glanced over his shoulder. "This was _also_ dropped off at my office by mistake." He pushed an envelope into Jack's hands. Jack spotted his name on it and casually threw it onto his desk as he took a seat. Daniel was yawning again as he slouched in the seat at the front of Jack's desk. It was with the yawn that Jack noticed Daniel still had a mug of coffee in his hand. He sighed, hoping one day, Daniel would realise that coffee wasn't a food group, or a substitute for sleep.

"Seriously, though? Is it a joke or has someone got the words archaeologist and postman mixed up?" Daniel wondered, his free hand making wild gestures and the other shaking his mug slightly. Jack grinned but remained silent… he would not bite. It was too easy. _Do not poke fun at resident archaeologist-slash-postman…_He chuckled quietly to himself, bowing his head to hide his expression."It's not as if the two words are remotely similar!" Daniel continued, incensed. "In any language!"

"We did use your office as a mailroom last time you died… maybe someone hasn't gotten the memo."

_Ah… so close. Next time. Next time, I won't bite._

Daniel stopped, looked at Jack and narrowed his eyes trying to gauge if Jack was serious. Jack returned an impassive face and only raised an encouraging eyebrow. When Daniel's mouth fell ajar and his eyes grew beyond his glasses, Jack finally rolled his eyes at Daniel, he was horribly gullible. Daniel sensed his mistake instantly and ducked his head sheepishly. "Quit moaning, Daniel, and just be glad you don't get bit on the ass every other day by Mr. Jones's Alsatian."

"So?" He prompted Daniel to answer his earlier question. Daniel blinked at him slowly, like a child trying to work out the answer to a complex equation. Jack rolled his eyes again. "Carter, Daniel," he reminded him.

"Oh…" He yawned again, took a gulp of coffee and inhaled deeply. "She was in her lab last time I checked. Studying something interesting… I think."

The crease in Daniel's forehead and the uncertainty in his voice cause Jack to ask, "You think?"

"Yeah, she was engrossed in some paperwork. Didn't even acknowledge I was there," Daniel shrugged.

"Sounds like something you'd do," Jack quipped as he reached for the envelope Daniel had brought him, but Daniel either didn't hear him or simply ignored him. "Daniel, are you okay?" Jack tore at the envelope and glanced at Daniel as he pulled the pages inside, out.

"Huh?" Daniel asked as if being broken out of a daze. His eyelids suddenly appeared heavy and he was doing the blinking thing again.

"Oh, for cryin' out loud," Jack muttered, throwing the pages and the envelope down and pushing himself out of his seat. He marched over to Daniel who was watching him with detached interest. He bent down and grabbed the coffee from Daniel's hands.

Expectedly Daniel let out a yelp of protest and Jack ignored him, swiping his hand back and setting the mug on his desk. "No more coffee for you, Spacemonkey. I'm ordering you to go get some sleep."

"I don't need sleep, Jack." For once, Daniel's argument lacked his usual gusto and Jack was pleased to think he'd get through it without much contention. Another yawn punctuated the silence between them and Jack gave Daniel a triumphant smile. A spinning sound alerted their attention and Jack cocked his hears when he heard a thunk. He turned to see something settling behind Daniel's coffee mug.

He turned from the sleep deprived archaeologist to peer at the object that he assumed had rolled out of the envelope. His eyebrow lifted when the colour flashed, and the other one shot up in alarm when he recognised the object.

"A red yoyo!" He yelped in an almost girly fashion and jumped back from it as if it were a bomb.

"What?" Daniel mumbled, with a lot more enthusiasm than he imagined he could muster.

Jack's hand rose, painfully slowly with one finger extended, shaking a little and pointing at the yoyo. Daniel divided confused glances between the two wondering why Jack looked like he had a Goa'uld mother ship sitting on his desk rather than a yoyo.

"I-I asked… I asked for a red yoyo," Jack managed.

Daniel rubbed at his eyes, not caring what was wrong with Jack anymore and realising he was really tired. Coffee didn't seem to do the trick anymore. He'd been consuming it like it was fuel - something that he treated it mostly as - but he had drank enough today to send him into orbit. And yet he was still tired. He snorted at the thought and realised Jack still looked like he was about to run yelling through the walls.

"Yes, well, that's fascinating, great even… seems everybody's wish is coming true today," Daniel grumbled, taking his glasses off and wiping them with his shirt.

"What?" Jack was suddenly alert again, and staring at Daniel with eyes that looked like they alone would jump out of their sockets and force the answer out of him if Jack himself didn't.

"Ah…"

"Daniel, this is very important," Jack said, his two hands pushing at the air calmly. "What _exactly_ do you mean by that?"

"I just mean that well… Teal'c, he got his candles-"

"Candles?" Jack's voice was so shrill it made Daniel drop his glasses into his lap.

_No… there is no way. Insane… there's a word. For me. I'm just-_

"And Ferritti finally got that expensive toilet paper he's been rallying-"

"Toilet P - OH HOLY HAND GRENADES!"

"Jack?" Daniel yawned, bored of this already as he watched Jack almost dance in anxiety to his phone.

_Oh crap… it has to be a coincidence… _"Walter? In here. Now!"

Jack counted five seconds before Walter was shifting nervously in front of his desk. He took a few ragged breaths then looked evenly at the Sergeant.

"Walter, did you take anything off my desk yesterday, other than what was in my outbox?" He asked, his voice cracking a little.

"Ah, yes, sir. Just Colonel Carter's report, sir." Walter swallowed at the growing horror in Jack's eyes. "You had forgotten to place it in your outbox."

"Oh, crap." Jack slapped his face into his hands. Slowly, he looked back up to Walter, throwing a faltering glimpse at the yoyo. "If I were to say to you that I _had_ put that report in my outbox, what would you say?"

_Say -'Actually, sir'… Say -'Actually, sir'… _Jack chanted in his head, doing his best Walter-impression.

"I wouldn't say anything, sir. I would just assume you were correct."

"Damn!" Walter flinched when Jack slammed a fist down on the table and glanced about worriedly as Jack began to bang his head on the desk. "Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn."

"Dr. Jackson?" He searched for aid as Jack continued his tirade. Daniel was idly fidgeting with his glasses and scowling at Jack.

He just shrugged at Walter and said, "Wouldn't worry about it. He's having tribulations about a yoyo today." Walter nodded apprehensively as a yawn interrupted the amused grin Daniel was giving Jack. Walter took it as his chance to escape.

"Ah!" He winced when he heard Jack's voice. He turned to see he had stopped banging his head and had launched out of his seat, like a missal hungry for its target, advancing on him. "You!" He thrust a finger at Walter, almost spitting the word from his lips and fixing beady eyes on him. "_This_ is all _your_ fault!"

"Sir?"

"The candles, the yoyo, the… " Jack faltered a little, nearly tripping over his own feet, lost in thought. "W-what day is it?"

"Uh, Friday, sir."

When his eyes phased back in he said, "The doughnuts!" Something else occurred to him and he forgot Walter momentarily, charging past him and snatching at the door handle. He jerked it so he could see the nameplate. It read 'Brigadier General Jack 'The Man' O'Neill'. Jack's lips parted as he gazed incredulously at it.

"This is nuts!" Jack exclaimed, dumbstruck. Then he rushed back into the office and fumbled on his desk. When he found the document he'd been looking for Walter thought he'd never seen the General read something so avidly before.

"Is something wrong, sir?"Very obviously there was something very wrong, but apparently the General wasn't in a sharing mood.

"It's from the President," Jack whispered in awe, not really paying attention to Walter. He began to mumble, "…yoyo, doughnuts… hope toilet… Teal'c… Daniel…" Jack looked up, distressed. "Carter!" The President had sent Carter something too! He could only imagine what it was.

_This is bad, _Jack declared silently. _This is definitely way up there with Anubis trying to wipe out all life in the Galaxy._

So, somehow, with Walter's help, his 'doodle' had made its way to the President and for some insane reason the President had taken it seriously… or semi-seriously. He did say he could do nothing about the immorally coloured requests, although he did mention he'd see what he could do about number 11 in the future. And right at the very end, he said he hoped things went well with Carter now that the frat regs didn't apply to the SGC.

Jack gulped at that, and sarcastically wondered if number 18 really was all that immoral when he was considering the Kinsey thing. At least he had switched Daniel's coffee without the man noticing.

"Pity about the mute button though…"

"Sir?"

Walter was still there when he looked up. He frowned, so was Daniel - he could see his legs sticking out from behind Walter, still lounging on the chair apparently.

"I'll deal with you later," he promised Walter, threateningly and waving a finger at him. "Daniel?" As Walter moved, Jack's eyes fell on a sleeping Daniel, lightly snoring in the chair, his head lulled back, and mouth open. Jack chuckled and glanced at the coffee cup he'd taken off Daniel.

_Maybe he killed two birds with one stone,_ he thought as he took in the silence around Daniel. He was only briefly amused by the thought though as he remembered Carter.

As he headed for her lab to do some damage control, a thought occurred to him.

_I hope he took that restraining order thing a little seriously…

* * *

_

"Uh… Carter?" Jack rapped his fingers on the door when Carter didn't notice his presence after a few seconds.

Her head jerked up from what she was reading and she fixed stunned blue eyes on him. He grimaced at the look in her eyes. Damage control was going to be very messy. Maybe he could backtrack and get something to protect himself with… armour… a HazMat suit perhaps?

_More like a HazCarter suit…_

"Ah, Carter… I ah…" He tailed off; glancing at the page she held crisply in her hands and was now dutifully staring at. He cleared his throat; it didn't take a theoretical astrophysicist to figure out what she was gazing vacantly at. He was going to have to be a bit more resolved than the stammering twit he had started off as. "Word has it you got a letter from the President." He swallowed nervously and tried to ignore the fluttering in his stomach that was wrestling with the doughnut he'd had earlier. Carter was looking at him, a frown dulling her eyes.

"No, s-sir," she squeaked. Jack blinked as she dropped her eyes to the page again and this time he noticed how her hands were shaking.

"Isn't that," he swiped a hand at what she was holding. "From him?"

She didn't look up as he walked closer. "No, sir." She sounded as if he should've known the answer to that question.

"Huh?" He didn't mean for that to come out, but it did. He was on top of her when he realised he had uttered it, and already regarding the page himself. The familiarity of it made his heart leap into his throat and by the feel of his insides, several other vital organs were also moving to places they weren't supposed to be.

"I was under the impression you sent this to me, sir." Why did she sound so confident and steady all of a sudden? Or was it that he was making like a leaf and… trembling.

"I… uh…" He was half reading the page, half trying to form a sentence. By the time he'd gotten to number seven, she was speaking again…

"Drugged, sir?" Yup, there was the pissed Carter voice he'd imagined, but had it made bile rise in his throat when he'd thought on it?

_Do they make HazCarter suits?_

"Carter…" he stumbled. "Look… I…" He took a step back from the guarded look in her eyes, wishing he'd really brought some drugs with him. If not for her, for himself at least.

"And in your bed?"

"Not at the same time!"

_Oh, crap, I did NOT just say that out loud!_

Her eyebrow went up and the left corner of her lips twitched wryly. "Separately, then?" She wondered accusingly.

"Carter…" God, was he pleading now? Hell, if it would get him out of this unscathed, he would drop down and beg for her forgiveness. "It was just a bit of stupid fun… I didn't, crap… I didn't mean what I wrote."

"So the concept of having me in your bed is considered a joke?"

"Oh, hell, no!"

_Said that a little too eagerly… _

He sighed, "I didn't think anyone else would ever see it - let alone the President."

"The President?" She spluttered and he was glad she finally appeared perturbed by all of this.

"Walter sent it to him by mistake. He's granted most of the… realistic requests I made."

"Seriously?" He tried not to notice the largeness of her eyes.

Scratching his ear he nodded. "Yeah, I got a red yoyo; T got some candles, Daniel…" He titled his head, weighing what exactly Daniel got. "Got a nap. Ferritti got some cushy TP… its all there." He nodded to the page.

"Eve-even the frat regs?"

He nodded again, glancing away. "For the SGC, anyway."

"Seriously?"

"Carter!" He barked, annoyed. If he got out of this with his sanity intact, she was not allowed to spend so much time with Daniel anymore.

"Wow," she breathed in awe, her eyes somewhere else entirely. Jack was becoming uncomfortable by just exactly where her mind was… she had that look about her, like she was about to come up with some crazy idea along the lines of blowing up a sun.

"So…" He attempted to break the silence but not having anything to say.

"So," Her eyes focused on him. "I guess that explains this…" Jack scowled at her then followed the movement of her other hand to see it open out, revealing a box. He was unexpectedly hit by the urge to remind her that the parcel was forwarded by the President.

"The President…" Was that him or her that said it? He didn't care, she was opening the box.

"Oh, boy." Definitely her this time and she was looking at him now. He tore his eyes away from her hand. "I… I guess maybe he took some of the crazy remarks a little too seriously," she gulped, her eyes returning to the object, sparkling, nestled tightly in the box.

"Is it really that crazy?" She heard him whisper. Her eyes whirled to him. If he was joking about this, he really would need a restraining order at the very least.

She was hoping she had managed to shake her head but just as much she didn't care when she saw him advance and take the box from her. When he was kneeling below her and grinning she resisted the urge to pinch herself… maybe she had fallen asleep at her laptop again. It wasn't the first time she'd dreamt he was proposing to her. "I… wow!"

He was grinning now, even as he spoke, "So, Carter…" He lifted the ring out of the box, wiggling an eyebrow at her. "What do you say to number 20… and all the trimmings?"

She beamed back at him and said, "As long as there's a distinct period of time between 20.2 and 20.4."

"I'll take that as a yes." He slipped the ring onto the finger she thrust at him and he was halfway to planting one on her when a disturbing roar reached his ears.

"Daniel," Carter sighed, her eyes fixed on the set of lips, hovering inches from hers, moments ago, promising a kiss. They were currently reeling off some colourful adjectives concerning Daniel.

"JACK?" They heard him shout.

Jack glanced to Carter and an understanding passed between them when he nodded to the other exit from her lab. He grabbed her wrist and tugged her with him as they fled.

Daniel bounded round the corner and darted into Carter's lab. He was sure that's where he'd find Jack. He caught a glimpse of two shadows zipping out the other exit and he growled at them, racing across the room.

"Jack!" He shouted again, waving the piece of paper that Walter had handed him when he woke up in Jack's office. It was the 20,000 dollar bill he had given to Jack earlier that had obviously been mistakenly addressed to him. Walter had assured him that the bill was indeed his and he apologised for the earlier discrepancy. He returned the bill to Daniel, only it had been amended and an extra item was added on, knocking the bill up a little.

"Jack!" He yelled in fury down the corridor, knowing he could be heard. "Why the hell am I getting billed for a flag?"

* * *

I had no idea what a funeral costs these days... or multiple funerals, in Ireland or the States, so if that number is unrealistic - just ignore it! Hope it lived up to expectations! Let me know.


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